me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
You Might Also Like
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My dad is at it again
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win