Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt