I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
You Might Also Like
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.