A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
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When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.