[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’