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ACED my prostate exam!
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*