Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
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M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
wtf is an acronym
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.