*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
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i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun