FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum