Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
LOL!
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too