[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
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My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Terribly Tuesday.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’