Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week