SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
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Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.