“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
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So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
He just like my cat fr
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]