*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
#dalle2
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.