Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.