Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
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If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!