richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Jogging has never helped my memory.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.