Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
You Might Also Like
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
What number SPF blocks people?
Cause of death: Zumba
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding