Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
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Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT