“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
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Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
me adding lol on a serious message
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.