I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
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Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Not today. 😅
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go