There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Meme Monday.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
no refunds
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving