Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Doormats are a gateway rug.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I am having an out of money experience.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”