Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
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me refusing to leave twitter
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
When you try jalapeños for the first time
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
the short answer to this question
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME