I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available