As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
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A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.