I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
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One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Love this one 😂🧟
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
mathematically impossible
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?