Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
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I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Batman v Dracula
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich