Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
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The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
mentally somewhere in italy
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….