artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
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Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Would you wear it?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Its true…
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.