me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
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They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks