Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
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Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*