*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
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sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.