Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
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having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
See..?
.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
This could be us… but you playing
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath