I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
You Might Also Like
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…