Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
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We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
choose your gary
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….