MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
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I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
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Me: Same
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Basically.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?