People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
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[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”