[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
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My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I’m giving up for Lent.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
real
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.