Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
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[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.