I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
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I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks