*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes