A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
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{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.