Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
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“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.