My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
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fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.