I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
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I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!