My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
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Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Finally
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)