Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
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[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands