My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.